Just another night in paradise

Even by the Muni’s rough-and-tumble standards, this one is a bit bizarre.

I have a very good friend, the ultimate North Beacher, who’s compelled by financial reality to live out in the Bayview. Nevertheless, she spends pretty much all her time up here in god’s country, in the golden triangle bounded by Columbus, Vallejo and Grant.

Now that the 15-Third is gone, she makes her daily commute on the 9x-San Bruno Express. On Saturday night, she saw something she’s never seen before. And in all the years I’ve been riding Muni, I’ve never heard of anything comparable.

Heading home after a night in the Beach, she caught a southbound 9x at Stockton and Columbus. Two girls, teenagers, boarded at the same time and breezed right past the driver and the fare box without so much as a by-your-leave.

I was on a bus once when a guy got on and sat down without paying. The driver told him to pay and the guy just clammed up and sat there. After a while, the driver said he wouldn’t move until the guy either paid up or got off. Since the bus was full of early morning commuters, the driver soon had a lusty chorus behind him. The guy, sensing impending doom, got off.

These girls, says my friend, completely ignored the 9x driver, who happened to be a woman. She did not refuse to drive but instead kept yelling for the girls to come forward and pay, threatening to call the cops if they didn’t. The girls only laughed and one of them, a brazen little tart, told the driver where she could stick the fare.

This did not go down well with the driver.

Thus unfolded one of the more remarkable driving feats in the annals of the Muniserable Railway. Normally, the 9x runs the length of Stockton Street. But on Saturday night, this particular bus — one of those long double-length jobs with the accordion bend in the middle — made a very sudden and very tight left turn into Clay Street, smack dab in the middle of Chinatown. It went one block and made an equally tight left turn onto Grant Avenue and drove back up into North Beach with a load of bemused passengers.

When you want a cop on Saturday night in North Beach you go to Broadway, which is exactly what my friend’s intrepid driver did. She pulled up alongside a parked squad car and hailed the officers, who came aboard to find the girls trying to hide in the back of the bus. They were unable to produce any proof of payment, so the cops escorted the now-distressed damsels off the bus.

One of them began swearing a blue streak, at the driver and at the cops, which got her cuffed and dumped into the back of the squad car. What became of the other lass I cannot say. I suppose she was also received with open arms at Central Station.

I’m still trying to picture one of those articulated buses careering like a Vespa through the narrow, congested streets of Chinatown. Really, I’m very impressed. Both by the driver’s obvious skill behind the wheel, as well as her unwillingness to take any crap from a couple of punk-ass kids.

She’s got my vote for Muni operator of the month, if they still do that sort of thing.

- Tony