Photo by Flickr user davitydave
It’s been awhile, but she’s back: The Muni Mind Reader, in all her extrasensory perceptual glory. This week, she explores the thought patterns of someone we’ve all witnessed (or been), especially this time of the year — the cougher. Cover your mouth, please!
Cough.cough.cough.
Sorry. This here cough, really, it’s nothing. It’s just the slightest [cough] tickle [cough] that [cough] I [cough] have [cough] in [cough] my [cough] throat [cough] at [cough] the [cough] moment. It’s ALLERGIES. I swear it’s just allergies. There is a LOT of pollen in the air.
Excuse me [cough], I just need to have a seat [cough] over here. I can’t stand up [cough] and cover my mouth [cough] at the same time. That’s better. Sigh. Let me see if I can’t find a cough drop here in my bag or something that’ll quiet this thing down. Oh look! A honey-flavored cough drop, this will most definitely do the trick!
COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH.
Whoa! Where the hell did that come from? Hey, don’t look at me that way. You saw that I put the damn cough drop in my mouth! COUGH COUGH COUGH. Dang it!
Thank you ma’am, I really appreciate your offer for another cough drop; in fact, cherry-flavored ones do happen to be my favorite, but I am sucking on it right now. See?! Isn’t honey supposed to be the most soothing lozenge of them all? No, please, don’t look at me that [COUGH[ way [COUGH], it [COUGH] is [COUGH] not [COUGH] nice!
OK LOOK YOU HAVE ALL BEEN HERE BEFORE! I really didn’t think this wee little tickle was going to turn into this! Imagine how I feel. I can’t even breathe!
AHHHHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHACKCOUGHCOUGHACKCOUGH.
All right look, I understand where you are coming form. Who wants to get sick, right? COUGH. But I swear this [COUGH] is about to [COUGH] pass. Save your judgments for someone who is really sick.
Oh, for crying out loud. Hello people, it’s not like I have swine flu, OK. Or maybe I do, it’s like, it was summertime, and all the kids were out of school, so obviously the number of reported cases decreased significantly, and I heard that taking the vaccine could pose more severe side effects than the actual H1N1 strain, and like, I once had a tetanus shot and my arm was sore for days…but I am sure it’s nothing!!! And I am sure if you just look the other way you will be fine. What would you like me to do anyway, wear one of those stupid-ass masks so I look like I am living in a post-apocalyptic world where robots have replaced humans, but we totally don’t know it unless we’re really good computer hackers?
I still need to take the bus just like you do. You don’t expect me to walk around in the cold do you? My swine flu…COUGH, I mean this tickle in my throat would just get worse.
Phone call! Hey [cough] [slurp]. No, I’m [cough] [slurp] just on the bus. I might be [cough] [slurp] getting a little bit of a cold. I think it’s just [cough] [slurp] allergies. It’s a cough drop [cough] [slurp]. Oh hell yeah. I have had a rough week at the office [cough] [slurp] and I am ready to blow off some steam. Sweet, let’s just take BART [cough] [slurp].
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Sorry about that, though to be fair I was coughing into my elbow. I swear it’s not the swine flu though, trust me. :]
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