Muni Mind Reader: The Cougher 10.09.09
Photo by Flickr user davitydave
It’s been awhile, but she’s back: The Muni Mind Reader, in all her extrasensory perceptual glory. This week, she explores the thought patterns of someone we’ve all witnessed (or been), especially this time of the year — the cougher. Cover your mouth, please!
Cough.cough.cough.
Sorry. This here cough, really, it’s nothing. It’s just the slightest [cough] tickle [cough] that [cough] I [cough] have [cough] in [cough] my [cough] throat [cough] at [cough] the [cough] moment. It’s ALLERGIES. I swear it’s just allergies. There is a LOT of pollen in the air.
Excuse me [cough], I just need to have a seat [cough] over here. I can’t stand up [cough] and cover my mouth [cough] at the same time. That’s better. Sigh. Let me see if I can’t find a cough drop here in my bag or something that’ll quiet this thing down. Oh look! A honey-flavored cough drop, this will most definitely do the trick!
COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH.
Whoa! Where the hell did that come from? Hey, don’t look at me that way. You saw that I put the damn cough drop in my mouth! COUGH COUGH COUGH. Dang it!
Thank you ma’am, I really appreciate your offer for another cough drop; in fact, cherry-flavored ones do happen to be my favorite, but I am sucking on it right now. See?! Isn’t honey supposed to be the most soothing lozenge of them all? No, please, don’t look at me that [COUGH[ way [COUGH], it [COUGH] is [COUGH] not [COUGH] nice!
OK LOOK YOU HAVE ALL BEEN HERE BEFORE! I really didn’t think this wee little tickle was going to turn into this! Imagine how I feel. I can’t even breathe!
AHHHHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHACKCOUGHCOUGHACKCOUGH.
All right look, I understand where you are coming form. Who wants to get sick, right? COUGH. But I swear this [COUGH] is about to [COUGH] pass. Save your judgments for someone who is really sick.
Oh, for crying out loud. Hello people, it’s not like I have swine flu, OK. Or maybe I do, it’s like, it was summertime, and all the kids were out of school, so obviously the number of reported cases decreased significantly, and I heard that taking the vaccine could pose more severe side effects than the actual H1N1 strain, and like, I once had a tetanus shot and my arm was sore for days…but I am sure it’s nothing!!! And I am sure if you just look the other way you will be fine. What would you like me to do anyway, wear one of those stupid-ass masks so I look like I am living in a post-apocalyptic world where robots have replaced humans, but we totally don’t know it unless we’re really good computer hackers?
I still need to take the bus just like you do. You don’t expect me to walk around in the cold do you? My swine flu…COUGH, I mean this tickle in my throat would just get worse.
Phone call! Hey [cough] [slurp]. No, I’m [cough] [slurp] just on the bus. I might be [cough] [slurp] getting a little bit of a cold. I think it’s just [cough] [slurp] allergies. It’s a cough drop [cough] [slurp]. Oh hell yeah. I have had a rough week at the office [cough] [slurp] and I am ready to blow off some steam. Sweet, let’s just take BART [cough] [slurp].
Muni Mind Reader: OCD Door-Hoarder 09.11.09
Photo by Flickr user jvollmer
I’ve been riding the bus for more than half my life. Yep! I know every route in this city. I really do. Unlike most of these cranksters, I think San Francisco’s public transportation system cannot be beat. There’s not one corner of this city that I have not been able to reach via transit. Okay, well, it was pretty difficult that one time I tried to get over to Visitacion Valley, but other than that experience, which I would most definitely rather not think about. One of my favorite parts of the month is when I can order my FastPass online, and then my second favorite part is when it arrives all fresh and new in the mail.
With that much love and confidence for our fair bus system, you’re probably wondering why I hang out here, by the back doors, even when it’s empty and the seating and standing choices abound for me. I know, it’s weird, and I am not proud. I just, I just, I just …
Well, there was this one time, I was so engrossed in my crossword puzzle that I completely missed my stop. It was a packed bus that day. Too packed. I looked up, saw that my stop was roughly three away. No big deal right? Plenty of time to work on that stumper that was 6 DOWN. But jesus, suddenly, my stop comes into view, I pull the cord from my seat in the very back row…and…and. I didn’t make it, okay!?! I tried. I politely pushed through the packs of people, but I wasn’t able to get off until the next stop. It was a FRIGHTENING experience. And now, the thought of just sitting or standing anywhere else makes me break out into a cold sweat. What if it happened AGAIN?
Good GOD! I can’t even think about it. I know I’m annoying. I know you loathe asking me to move out of the way, especially on a perfectly empty bus, and I especially know you wonder why I simply don’t take the outside seat that’s less than a foot away from that all powerful bowl with the only more-powerful red button that tells the bus when to stop. But I can’t help it. There’s just too much at stake. (My sanity, for one.)
So this is my destiny: a hated hoarder. The rider who just can’t relax and enjoy the ride. I sometimes feel like Sisyphus, except instead of a rock, I push this pole, and instead of it ever moving up a hill, it just stays stationary. It’s what I do, okay? I won’t even get into my conundrum over when to actually push the button. Oh gosh, doesn’t that perplex you, too?
Muni Mind Reader: Haight-Bus Punker and ‘Service Dog’ 08.28.09
Photo by Flickr user Mat Honan
It’s summer. It’s hot. Muni Mind Reader took the week off last week. But never you fear — she’s back and in fine form this warm August Friday. For this installment, Tiffany (aka, Muni Mind Reader) checks in with that colorful character you sometimes see on the 6, 7, or 71. Any of the Haight Street lines, really. He or she is known by many names and aromas, but enough of this intro. Take it away, Mind Reader!
Hey, what are you all looking at? You’re all just a bunch of society-lovers, aren’t you? Oh I’ve seen this before. You look at my duct-taped pants, weather-beaten trench, and standard-issued Doc Martens, and think, “If only he’d shop at The Gap or Banana Republic, he’d be such a nice boy!”
Well, listen up SOCIETY, I refuse to conform to your capitalistic, material-obsessed, world. Lucky for you, I’m not going to try to sit next to any of y’all. Instead, I’ll just sit up front where I can spread out a little bit, have more space for this radio, trash bag filled with other trash bags, sleeping bag, tarp, and duffel bag. The last three items I just picked up from the army surplus store on Haight Street. Incidentally, it’s where I do all my shopping. These pants are really just second-hand army ACU pants. I added the duct tape myself to enhance durability, cred, and had absolutely nothing to do one Wednesday afternoon. If you’re going to be a middle-class, early-20s, homeless-by-choice punk in this city, freakin’ army surplus stores are the bomb.
This is my dog, Warrior. Come here War! We’ve been together a long time. I got her at the SPCA. Now, anyone who has tried to adopt a pet from an animal shelter can sympathize with me over the long-ass process. Originally, I lied and said I had a job, thinking the key to having a pet in this city is to prove you have daily responsibilities and income to provide for the health and well-being of my furry friend. But then they worried I’d be out of the house all the time. So then I fessed up. Hell no man, I don’t live in your conformist world. My job is to let passers-by know they are the enemy and my decision to live under a few bushes in Golden Gate Park is a passionate statement on what’s wrong with the world. That’s when everyone realized I’d be “home” all the time. She’s been really instrumental in helping me carry around all my belongings. That’s why she always gets free passage on Muni. Cuz she’s a SERVICE DOG! Haaa! Stupid society.
Nah, he ain’t got no muzzle. What the hell do you want me to do? Conform some of the time?
So I know you’re wondering why it is I don’t smell quite as bad as I usually do. Usually you can smell the potent blend of my urine, my dog’s urine, weed, BO, and compost before I even get on the bus. I saw you all look up horrified when you heard all the plastic I was carrying rustle. But then you thought, Well that’s weird, I don’t want to throw up in my mouth. FOOLED YOU! I had my monthly visit with the folks. STUPID PARENTS. Nah, I’m just kidding. I love ‘em, and even though it can be pretty embarrassing to be picked up by your parents in the Panhandle (especially when they show up in their vintage Mercedes-Benz) I think they’re proud of me. Yeah, we headed up to Sonoma for the weekend. I got to take a shower, wash my clothes. I gave Warrior a bath too. It’s real pretty up in Sonoma, have you ever been? YEAH YOU HAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM MY FRIEND!
All right, I’m ready to blow this joint. I promised my parents I’d at least fill out one college application today, though really, I’m just doing a 40 run for the kids at camp. Smell me later!
Muni Mind Reader: When f*&king BART goes on strike! 08.14.09
It’s finally here. The long-threatened, much peanut-galleried BART strike is set to start Monday morning. Of course, for us Muni commuters, this really only means an influx of the unknowing, unaware, well-to-do BART commuter (stereotype much?). We’ll do well to welcome them with open arms. Well, maybe not. Just be nice. Don’t bite. Tiffany Maleshefski, aka Muni Mind Reader, homes in on what it must be like for this odd creature: the reluctant BART rider on Muni.
WTF? I wish when I decided to go on strike I had the ability to fuck with the lives of tens of thousands of people. But I don’t. And just because BART is finally going through on its threats to screw us all over for a couple of days, doesn’t mean I get to go on strike too. See, I’d just get fired, or my boss would tell me to get my ass on the closest Muni bus I can find…and fast.
Which is exactly what I’m doing. Finding the closest Muni bus. That’s a doable request. Can I find one fast? Probably not. Why? Because I’ve been waiting here for freakin’ 14 minutes, and every time the clock ticks down to 8 minutes, the goddamn NextBus sign bumps it back up to 10 or 12. PLUS, who the HELL schedules buses to come every 15 minutes at 8:30 a.m??? Hello Muni wunderkinds, this is peak commuting time. Hmmmph. BART would’ve had me to work by now.
Muni Mind Reader: The Chomper 08.07.09
Photo by Flickr user ClO0over
Find an empty seat. Sit down. Relax. Then have your mellow totally harshed by this renegade: The gum-chomper. This week, Tiffany (aka: Muni Mind Reader) ventures into the thought-patterns of the magnificent Muni masticator, and brings us the following report.
Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. There’s really nothing like a good piece of gum, is there? Yummy! Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Some people like gum because it freshens up their breath. Or if you’re watching your weight, you can get one of those fruity flavors that can fool you into thinking you had a high-caloric treat.
I like gum because it puts me into this Zen-like mode where the hustle and bustle of the crazy world around me, especially on the bus, just melts away.
Muni Mind Reader: The Drunkard 07.31.09
Muni Mind Reader is back, y’all! After a one-week hiatus (she refuses to disclose her where- and whatabouts, as any true mental maven would), Tiffany is back, and in high fashion. This week, she takes us down, around, over, and through the sloshy synapses of … the drunkard.
Wahoooooooooooo!!! Nothing like a killer happy hour to get things rocking and rolling. Am I right? You! Yes, you right there. Yes! You have got to be able to see me. I’m sitting directly across from you. Helloooo!!!. C’mon buddy, I’m wasted, but I’m certainly not invisible. WE WON’T BE INVISIBLE!! Oh, wait, that’s “invincible.” WE WON’T BE INVINCIBLE. Gimme five if you like Pat Benatar. Anyone? GIVE THE BOY HIS SCOOTER BACK!
Oh man! What a crazy afternoon. Lay-offs suck, but the parties sure are killer. I thought about driving, but then I realized I left my keys in Jackie’s purse, so that’s no good. So then it was like TAXI! And then as if Muni were reading my mind, out of thin air appears a 30-Stockton. Suh-weeeeeeeeeeeet! You can’t get much luckier than that. Well, I guess I could get much luckier, but that’s later tonight, am I right? Heh, geez people, where is your sense of humor?
Muni Mind Reader is on vacation 07.24.09
Photo by Flickr user m o d e
Perhaps she’s in some other town, riding its public transit and acting like The Tourist? Either way, Tiffany’s not around this week. All that thought-penetration (ha!) took its toll, and we gave her the week off. Check back next Friday, though, when the Muni Mind Reader will be right back at it, spilling forth all the delicious and disgusting mind-conversations of her next subject.
Muni Mind Reader: The Happenstance Rider 07.17.09
Every Friday, we are the benefactors of mind-reading genius here at Muni Diaries. You see, we are lucky enough to employ the telepathic talents of one Tiffany Maleshefski, aka, Muni Mind Reader. This week, Tiffany explores the mindset of yet another familiar fellow Muni rider: those who ride unwittingly. Those who’d really (no, we mean really) not be on this stinkin’ bus.
Ugh. Where’s the bus?
Could it be any colder out here? I mean, so much for my good hair day. Why did I even bother trying to do my hair this morning if it was going to get blown to hell and back? I cannot believe my car is in the shop. I looooooooove my car. I can’t believe she’s going to be gone for a whole week. It gives me a massive headache just thinking about it.
WHERE IS THE BUS?! GAWD! It’s been like 5 minutes!! I am freezing! Oh wait, what’s this? N-e-x-t-b-u-s. NextBus. 5-Fulton in…6 MINUTES. My god! I would’ve been at work by now. Why is there never a bus when I need it? At least my car is available whenever, wherever. And check it, I got parking so I don’t need any pitiful looks from all you transit champions who just gloat at the thought that it hopefully takes me HOURS to find parking.
Nope. I just slide right into my space at any time of the day. So ha! FINALLY! The bus is here!
Muni Mind Reader: The Tourist 07.10.09
We know them, we loathe them, but really, where would we be without their daily, monthly, yearly fiscal contributions to the livelihood of our little burg? Let’s face it — San Francisco is a tourism magnet, so best to suck it up next time you get annoyed during your probably-already-annoying Muni ride. Here’s the oh-so-insightful Muni Mind Reader‘s travel log from her journey far into the inner neurological reaches of the Tourist.
Excuse me, driver? This is the 43-Masonic yes? The 43? That’s what it says on the front of the bus.
DRIVER: Yes. 43.
Driver? This is the 43-M-A-S-O-N…I-C.
DRIVER: Yes.
And this goes to the Inner Richmond? We need to get over to 16th and Balboa. Will this take us to 16th and Balboa?
DRIVER. Yes. Just get on the bus ma’am, we need to go.
Okay! Come on everyone, this is the bus!! How much is it? How much do we need to pay to get on the bus? Oh honey, it says right here we need $2. Do you have $2? We’ll need $8 total. Driver, can I get change for a $20?
Muni Mind Reader: The Muni DJ 07.03.09
Photo by Flickr user leporello87
Another week off has given the Muni Mind Reader the fortitude to channel deep into the darkness of the Muni DJ’s brain. Brushing aside neurological cobwebs, Tiffany gets at this budding phonophile’s intentions, which might just surprise you. Everybody dance now!
They say that music is the universal language.
No one speaks, feels, or lives this language as much as I do. Call me an ambassador, yeah, an ambassador of life, love, peace, and most of all, bass and treble, who just wants to break down these oppressive walls of society with my music. My music. Well, that makes it sound like I’m being greedy. This is your music too, people. Your music. No! It’s our music. This language that we can all speak.
So when you see me climb onto Muni with my sweet-ass radio, one that you thought had long been extinct, rather than smother me with looks of horror, maybe you should break out into thundering applause. I’m also a fan of the “slow clap.” Better yet, I dream of the day when everybody puts down their books, disgruntled looks, and hand-held devices, and we all just sing together. Who didn’t love chorus class, right?
Anyone want to do that?
Are we all ready? And a 1, and a 2. And a 3…everybody!
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