It’s been awhile, but she’s back: The Muni Mind Reader, in all her extrasensory perceptual glory. This week, she explores the thought patterns of someone we’ve all witnessed (or been), especially this time of the year — the cougher. Cover your mouth, please!

Cough.cough.cough.

Sorry. This here cough, really, it’s nothing. It’s just the slightest [cough] tickle [cough] that [cough] I [cough] have [cough] in [cough] my [cough] throat [cough] at [cough] the [cough] moment. It’s ALLERGIES. I swear it’s just allergies. There is a LOT of pollen in the air.

Excuse me [cough], I just need to have a seat [cough] over here. I can’t stand up [cough] and cover my mouth [cough] at the same time. That’s better. Sigh. Let me see if I can’t find a cough drop here in my bag or something that’ll quiet this thing down. Oh look! A honey-flavored cough drop, this will most definitely do the trick!

COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH.

Whoa! Where the hell did that come from? Hey, don’t look at me that way. You saw that I put the damn cough drop in my mouth! COUGH COUGH COUGH. Dang it!

Thank you ma’am, I really appreciate your offer for another cough drop; in fact, cherry-flavored ones do happen to be my favorite, but I am sucking on it right now. See?! Isn’t honey supposed to be the most soothing lozenge of them all? No, please, don’t look at me that [COUGH[ way [COUGH], it [COUGH] is [COUGH] not [COUGH] nice!

OK LOOK YOU HAVE ALL BEEN HERE BEFORE! I really didn’t think this wee little tickle was going to turn into this! Imagine how I feel. I can’t even breathe!

AHHHHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHACKCOUGHCOUGHACKCOUGH.

All right look, I understand where you are coming form. Who wants to get sick, right? COUGH. But I swear this [COUGH] is about to [COUGH] pass. Save your judgments for someone who is really sick.

Oh, for crying out loud. Hello people, it’s not like I have swine flu, OK. Or maybe I do, it’s like, it was summertime, and all the kids were out of school, so obviously the number of reported cases decreased significantly, and I heard that taking the vaccine could pose more severe side effects than the actual H1N1 strain, and like, I once had a tetanus shot and my arm was sore for days…but I am sure it’s nothing!!! And I am sure if you just look the other way you will be fine. What would you like me to do anyway, wear one of those stupid-ass masks so I look like I am living in a post-apocalyptic world where robots have replaced humans, but we totally don’t know it unless we’re really good computer hackers?

I still need to take the bus just like you do. You don’t expect me to walk around in the cold do you? My swine flu…COUGH, I mean this tickle in my throat would just get worse.

Phone call! Hey [cough] [slurp]. No, I’m [cough] [slurp] just on the bus. I might be [cough] [slurp] getting a little bit of a cold. I think it’s just [cough] [slurp] allergies. It’s a cough drop [cough] [slurp]. Oh hell yeah. I have had a rough week at the office [cough] [slurp] and I am ready to blow off some steam. Sweet, let’s just take BART [cough] [slurp].

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If you liked this Muni diary, you might like:

1. Muni Mind Reader: The Couple
2. Muni Mind Reader: The Humper
3. Muni Mind Reader is on vacation

I’ve been riding the bus for more than half my life. Yep! I know every route in this city. I really do. Unlike most of these cranksters, I think San Francisco’s public transportation system cannot be beat. There’s not one corner of this city that I have not been able to reach via transit. Okay, well, it was pretty difficult that one time I tried to get over to Visitacion Valley, but other than that experience, which I would most definitely rather not think about. One of my favorite parts of the month is when I can order my FastPass online, and then my second favorite part is when it arrives all fresh and new in the mail.

With that much love and confidence for our fair bus system, you’re probably wondering why I hang out here, by the back doors, even when it’s empty and the seating and standing choices abound for me. I know, it’s weird, and I am not proud. I just, I just, I just …

Well, there was this one time, I was so engrossed in my crossword puzzle that I completely missed my stop. It was a packed bus that day. Too packed. I looked up, saw that my stop was roughly three away. No big deal right? Plenty of time to work on that stumper that was 6 DOWN. But jesus, suddenly, my stop comes into view, I pull the cord from my seat in the very back row…and…and. I didn’t make it, okay!?! I tried. I politely pushed through the packs of people, but I wasn’t able to get off until the next stop. It was a FRIGHTENING experience. And now, the thought of just sitting or standing anywhere else makes me break out into a cold sweat. What if it happened AGAIN?

Good GOD! I can’t even think about it. I know I’m annoying. I know you loathe asking me to move out of the way, especially on a perfectly empty bus, and I especially know you wonder why I simply don’t take the outside seat that’s less than a foot away from that all powerful bowl with the only more-powerful red button that tells the bus when to stop. But I can’t help it. There’s just too much at stake. (My sanity, for one.)

So this is my destiny: a hated hoarder. The rider who just can’t relax and enjoy the ride. I sometimes feel like Sisyphus, except instead of a rock, I push this pole, and instead of it ever moving up a hill, it just stays stationary. It’s what I do, okay? I won’t even get into my conundrum over when to actually push the button. Oh gosh, doesn’t that perplex you, too?

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It’s summer. It’s hot. Muni Mind Reader took the week off last week. But never you fear — she’s back and in fine form this warm August Friday. For this installment, Tiffany (aka, Muni Mind Reader) checks in with that colorful character you sometimes see on the 6, 7, or 71. Any of the Haight Street lines, really. He or she is known by many names and aromas, but enough of this intro. Take it away, Mind Reader!

Hey, what are you all looking at? You’re all just a bunch of society-lovers, aren’t you? Oh I’ve seen this before. You look at my duct-taped pants, weather-beaten trench, and standard-issued Doc Martens, and think, “If only he’d shop at The Gap or Banana Republic, he’d be such a nice boy!”

Well, listen up SOCIETY, I refuse to conform to your capitalistic, material-obsessed, world. Lucky for you, I’m not going to try to sit next to any of y’all. Instead, I’ll just sit up front where I can spread out a little bit, have more space for this radio, trash bag filled with other trash bags, sleeping bag, tarp, and duffel bag. The last three items I just picked up from the army surplus store on Haight Street. Incidentally, it’s where I do all my shopping. These pants are really just second-hand army ACU pants. I added the duct tape myself to enhance durability, cred, and had absolutely nothing to do one Wednesday afternoon. If you’re going to be a middle-class, early-20s, homeless-by-choice punk in this city, freakin’ army surplus stores are the bomb.

This is my dog, Warrior. Come here War! We’ve been together a long time. I got her at the SPCA. Now, anyone who has tried to adopt a pet from an animal shelter can sympathize with me over the long-ass process. Originally, I lied and said I had a job, thinking the key to having a pet in this city is to prove you have daily responsibilities and income to provide for the health and well-being of my furry friend. But then they worried I’d be out of the house all the time. So then I fessed up. Hell no man, I don’t live in your conformist world. My job is to let passers-by know they are the enemy and my decision to live under a few bushes in Golden Gate Park is a passionate statement on what’s wrong with the world. That’s when everyone realized I’d be “home” all the time. She’s been really instrumental in helping me carry around all my belongings. That’s why she always gets free passage on Muni. Cuz she’s a SERVICE DOG! Haaa! Stupid society.

Nah, he ain’t got no muzzle. What the hell do you want me to do? Conform some of the time?

So I know you’re wondering why it is I don’t smell quite as bad as I usually do. Usually you can smell the potent blend of my urine, my dog’s urine, weed, BO, and compost before I even get on the bus. I saw you all look up horrified when you heard all the plastic I was carrying rustle. But then you thought, Well that’s weird, I don’t want to throw up in my mouth. FOOLED YOU! I had my monthly visit with the folks. STUPID PARENTS. Nah, I’m just kidding. I love ‘em, and even though it can be pretty embarrassing to be picked up by your parents in the Panhandle (especially when they show up in their vintage Mercedes-Benz) I think they’re proud of me. Yeah, we headed up to Sonoma for the weekend. I got to take a shower, wash my clothes. I gave Warrior a bath too. It’s real pretty up in Sonoma, have you ever been? YEAH YOU HAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM MY FRIEND!

All right, I’m ready to blow this joint. I promised my parents I’d at least fill out one college application today, though really, I’m just doing a 40 run for the kids at camp. Smell me later!

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If you liked this Muni diary, you might like:

1. Introducing Muni Mind Reader
2. Muni Mind Reader: The Teenager
3. Muni Mind Reader: The Bigot

It’s finally here. The long-threatened, much peanut-galleried BART strike is set to start Monday morning. Of course, for us Muni commuters, this really only means an influx of the unknowing, unaware, well-to-do BART commuter (stereotype much?). We’ll do well to welcome them with open arms. Well, maybe not. Just be nice. Don’t bite. Tiffany Maleshefski, aka Muni Mind Reader, homes in on what it must be like for this odd creature: the reluctant BART rider on Muni.

WTF? I wish when I decided to go on strike I had the ability to fuck with the lives of tens of thousands of people. But I don’t. And just because BART is finally going through on its threats to screw us all over for a couple of days, doesn’t mean I get to go on strike too. See, I’d just get fired, or my boss would tell me to get my ass on the closest Muni bus I can find…and fast.

Which is exactly what I’m doing. Finding the closest Muni bus. That’s a doable request. Can I find one fast? Probably not. Why? Because I’ve been waiting here for freakin’ 14 minutes, and every time the clock ticks down to 8 minutes, the goddamn NextBus sign bumps it back up to 10 or 12. PLUS, who the HELL schedules buses to come every 15 minutes at 8:30 a.m??? Hello Muni wunderkinds, this is peak commuting time. Hmmmph. BART would’ve had me to work by now.

OK! You’ve finally decided to show up, Mr. Bus. Thanks for that. Well I’ll be! There’s even a lovely, plastic, rock-hard seat available. It’s way in the back, but it’s a seat! I better push back there before anyone else snags it. I have this great book that I’m 10 pages away from finishing so…oh, I see why this seat is free. See, that’s the other thing on BART. You’d be hard-pressed to find a seat covered in soda and sunflower seeds.

I don’t want to sound like a snob, but another big plus for the BARTster, if you ask me, is there is this unspoken rule akin to, ya know, not pissing in your own home. Not to say that people never pee on BART, but those times are few and far between.

Now, I will say that the beauty of Muni is the ability to get off of it whenever you want. Even if it’s not your stop, bang on the door enough and make enough noise, and the driver is going to let you off. BART doesn’t have that kind of flexibility.

So, during those times when it’s a piping-hot 85 degrees in the East Bay and you suddenly realize that the BART car you’ve stepped on is without air conditioning, and you are pretty sure somebody peed somewhere, but it’s too late because the train is already moving and no sooner did it get moving that you’re now all trapped in a tunnel…OK, well, those times just suck.

Still, when I get on the BART every morning, yeah, I wish it felt more like a luxury shuttle. I sometimes wish I could handpick who my fellow riders were. I wish there was at the very least a coffee bar. But I’m not overwhelmed by the vehement hatred of the transit system that seems to come with the territory when you ride Muni. Not sure why that is. I know I’m not going to be forced to listen to someone else’s music, or have my morning reverie rattled by the ramblings of some batshit crazy dude going on about Cat Stevens. And for the most part, I’m going to get to where I’m going ON TIME. God, I can’t wait for this strike to be over!

Check back next Friday, when all the madness might well be over and Muni Mind Reader can move on to caricaturing normal, everyday Muni riders.

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If you liked this Muni diary, you might like:

1. BART, union reach deal; strike averted (updates)
2. BART strike averted (updates)
3. BART strike most likely announced shortly (updates)

Find an empty seat. Sit down. Relax. Then have your mellow totally harshed by this renegade: The gum-chomper. This week, Tiffany (aka: Muni Mind Reader) ventures into the thought-patterns of the magnificent Muni masticator, and brings us the following report.

Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. There’s really nothing like a good piece of gum, is there? Yummy! Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Some people like gum because it freshens up their breath. Or if you’re watching your weight, you can get one of those fruity flavors that can fool you into thinking you had a high-caloric treat.

I like gum because it puts me into this Zen-like mode where the hustle and bustle of the crazy world around me, especially on the bus, just melts away.

Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. I get so mesmerized by my own chewing that sometimes I even forget I’m chewing. I just get into this zone where it’s almost like the sound of my mouth clacking together (the gum hitting my top set of molars before dropping to get mashed up by my bottom set, with my mouth opening and closing widely all the while) is more akin to my heart beating than chewing. And there are tooootally times when the rhythm of chewing matches my moods.

When I’m anxious, it’s like chompchompchompchomp. Fast and furious!! This happens a lot, say, when I’m having a really heated phone call and I’m really upset with the person on the other line or I have something pretty intense I need to tell them. So, I might not be talking, but you can still tell I’m M-A-D as hell because my mouth is going chompchompchompchomp. AND, if I’ve been yelling, then it’s like CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOMP.

Then there are times where my gum works to soothe my soul.

It’s especially moving when it’s a quiet afternoon, the bus is empty, everyone has a seat, and you can just feel the positive energy taking over. That’s when I get pensive, thinking about the world and whatnot, and my mouth follows suit: chomp….chomp….chomp…………chomp.

Sometimes, I’ll miss a beat and people start turning around worried that the chomping has stopped, and then once I start up, everyone holds their stare for just a bit longer, making sure I’m not faking it, and then I can see them slowly turn back around and knock their head against the window in relief.

Don’t worry. As long as there is gum and as long as I have a mouth, you can guarantee that we’ll be on the bus together, sharing the magic that can only come from someone chewing loudly with their mouth open. Until then, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp….

Check back next Friday to learn more about what lurks behind the foreheads of your fellow Muni passenger.

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If you liked this Muni diary, you might like:

1. Muni Mind Reader: The Cougher
2. Muni Mind Reader: The Couple
3. Muni Mind Reader: The Teenager

Wahoooooooooooo!!! Nothing like a killer happy hour to get things rocking and rolling. Am I right? You! Yes, you right there. Yes! You have got to be able to see me. I’m sitting directly across from you. Helloooo!!!. C’mon buddy, I’m wasted, but I’m certainly not invisible. WE WON’T BE INVISIBLE!! Oh, wait, that’s “invincible.” WE WON’T BE INVINCIBLE. Gimme five if you like Pat Benatar. Anyone? GIVE THE BOY HIS SCOOTER BACK!

Oh man! What a crazy afternoon. Lay-offs suck, but the parties sure are killer. I thought about driving, but then I realized I left my keys in Jackie’s purse, so that’s no good. So then it was like TAXI! And then as if Muni were reading my mind, out of thin air appears a 30-Stockton. Suh-weeeeeeeeeeeet! You can’t get much luckier than that. Well, I guess I could get much luckier, but that’s later tonight, am I right? Heh, geez people, where is your sense of humor?

Man, Muni is kind of awesome. Why don’t I take it every day to work? They TOTALLY take pennies too! NO JOKE! I haven’t taken a bus in a looooooong time, so I had no idea they hiked up the prices. I only had a single, a tenner, and a boatload of change, most of which was pennies. Hell yeah! Now there’s a use for that stupid coin if I ever heard of one. I’m gonna start picking up those bad boys when I see them on the sidewalk from here on out.

Sheeeyatt. I can’t believe how many margaritas I just put down. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, well, it’s hard to stand on a moving vehicle when you’re kind of wasted. Oh wow. Yeah, this is a little…er…ok…excuse me? Can you open that window for me please? Thanks. Oh sweet, empty seat. Let me just take a load off here. Whew. Breathe in, breathe out. Closing eyes. Breathe in, breathe out. Nodding off. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzz. WHOA! WHAT! I’m OK. I’m OK everyone, just a little disoriented.

Well, hello there beautiful. Tee hee. Don’t you look cute there in your little shoesies. Look at that, your cute little flat is just dangling there off your foot. What would you do if I just leaned over here and GRABBED YOUR SHOE!! Just kidding! You can relax. I would never GRAB YOUR SHOE! Gotcha! Did you just see that? I was going to pretend I was going to grab your shoe, but then at the very end I didn’t. You’re not talking to me?

Wow, I can’t believe it’s only 6:30 p.m.. I just need to get home, throw on a clean pair of pants, and then…wait, where the hell am I? I totally should be in North Beach by now. Let’s see…6th Avenue…8th Avenue…Driver? Where’s Columbus? I’m not on the 30-Stockton am I? TAXI!

Check back next Friday for the next exciting, enlightening, entertaining installment of Muni Mind Reader.

Photo by Flickr user ClockworkGrue

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If you liked this Muni diary, you might like:

1. Muni Mind Reader is on vacation
2. Muni Mind Reader: Sunday Driver
3. Muni Mind Reader: OCD Door-Hoarder

Perhaps she’s in some other town, riding its public transit and acting like The Tourist? Either way, Tiffany’s not around this week. All that thought-penetration (ha!) took its toll, and we gave her the week off. Check back next Friday, though, when the Muni Mind Reader will be right back at it, spilling forth all the delicious and disgusting mind-conversations of her next subject.

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If you liked this Muni diary, you might like:

1. Muni Mind Reader: The Happenstance Rider
2. Muni Mind Reader: The Drunkard
3. Muni Mind Reader: Aisle-Seat Squatter

Ugh. Where’s the bus?

Could it be any colder out here? I mean, so much for my good hair day. Why did I even bother trying to do my hair this morning if it was going to get blown to hell and back? I cannot believe my car is in the shop. I looooooooove my car. I can’t believe she’s going to be gone for a whole week. It gives me a massive headache just thinking about it.

WHERE IS THE BUS?! GAWD! It’s been like 5 minutes!! I am freezing! Oh wait, what’s this? N-e-x-t-b-u-s. NextBus. 5-Fulton in…6 MINUTES. My god! I would’ve been at work by now. Why is there never a bus when I need it? At least my car is available whenever, wherever. And check it, I got parking so I don’t need any pitiful looks from all you transit champions who just gloat at the thought that it hopefully takes me HOURS to find parking.

Nope. I just slide right into my space at any time of the day. So ha! FINALLY! The bus is here!

Morning. How much does it cost to ride this thing?

Driver: Two dollars ma’am.

Okay, I only got a five. Here you go.

Driver: Ma’am, we don’t give change.

UGH! You just EXPECT people will have exact change? It’s things like this that make me wonder how Muni even functions on a daily basis. This is not very good for the customer experience, let me tell you. How am I supposed to feel that my needs are important to you if it’s YOUR way all the time. Seriously, would it be that hard to have a cash machine up here or someone who can just make change?

ANYONE GOT CHANGE FOR A FIVE?

I guess I should be grateful that I can at least still get back and forth to work, despite not having my car. But it’s really hard to appreciate something that always smells like cat pee, or when someone looks like that icky dude who clearly doesn’t get that the whole goth thing ended YEARS AGO. C’mon buddy, would it kill you to give up the steel-toed boots just once this week?

You know what I’d really love? If the powers that be at Muni were just a tad more discriminating. I mean, the bus could be a super nice place if you just had the right atmosphere. Like, how about a Muni dress code? Hell, I might consider leaving my current position (and my car for that matter) if I could help create a dress code to bring some dignity to this beaten-down transit system. I just started watching the best new show on Bravo, Miami Social. The bomb. It just blows my mind that Bravo is able to find so many fabulous groups of friends willing to be on a television show. Cannot WAIT for San Francisco Social. I got my audition tape ready!

You know what? I can’t even handle this. I’m going to call everyone I know this morning on my phone and talk about Miami Social to help the time pass faster. What’s the term for that? Positive thinking? If I talk about Miami Social enough, maybe I’ll actually convince myself for the next 20 minutes or so that I’m actually there instead of here: Pee Town.

Well, I guess there are some pros to being on the bus every day. I get to see how good my life is compared to these sorry saps. At least I got to catch up with a few of my friends on the phone. Maybe tomorrow I’ll even bring a magazine to read. Or god willing, maybe my car will be out of the shop early and I’ll never have to rub shoulders with anyone wearing shirts from last season again.

Check back next Friday to learn more about what’s going inside the minds of your fellow Muni riders.

Photo by Flickr user davitydave

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If you liked this Muni diary, you might like:

1. Introducing Muni Mind Reader
2. Muni Mind Reader: The Bigot
3. Muni Mind Reader: The Chomper

Excuse me, driver? This is the 43-Masonic yes? The 43? That’s what it says on the front of the bus.

DRIVER: Yes. 43.

Driver? This is the 43-M-A-S-O-N…I-C.

DRIVER: Yes.

And this goes to the Inner Richmond? We need to get over to 16th and Balboa. Will this take us to 16th and Balboa?

DRIVER. Yes. Just get on the bus ma’am, we need to go.

Okay! Come on everyone, this is the bus!! How much is it? How much do we need to pay to get on the bus? Oh honey, it says right here we need $2. Do you have $2? We’ll need $8 total. Driver, can I get change for a $20?

DRIVER: Exact change only ma’am. Ma’am, can you please step behind the yellow line?

Okay. I got, let’s see, that’s a $5. Here’s another single…OH we got some quarters over here. John, do you have another single? $8! We got it, we are in business. Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Looks like they don’t wait for the passengers to sit down on this bus. Ha! Everyone hold on tiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhtttt. Oh, I am so sorry sir, I stepped on your foot, I am really sorry about that.

Whoooooooossssssssh. Clumsy me! I just knocked into your coffee, my goodness.

PASSENGER: Ma’am, would you like my seat?

No, no! Really, it’s fine. We’re visiting San Francisco! You have a LOVELY city, and such a splendid transportation system. We don’t have transportation like this where we’re from. I mean, we have some buses, but they don’t really come often like yours. And really, if we had a system like this where I’m from I’d never get in my car again!!

Whooooooaaaaaa! Ha! These hills are killing my equilibrium. I feel like I’m doing some kind of clumsy tango here. Tee hee!!

PASSENGER: Hey lady, if you hold the bar it will help you keep you balance.

AH! This bar here? Above my head? Let’s see if I can reach it. There we go. So that’s how everyone stays in place! Whoooooooooaaaaaaa. HA! It’s like riding a roller coaster, isn’t it kids?! You were upset that we were spending our summer vacation here in San Francisco instead of Magic Mountain, but this bus is every bit as good. Whhhhheeeeee! Oh, I’m sorry. Are you okay? I guess you shouldn’t really be wearing flip-flops on the bus though, right? I think I might have a band-aid in here. Ohhh..that is bleeding pretty good!

PASSENGER: Ma’am did you need to go to the Inner Richmond? Well, this bus isn’t going to get you there. You’re going to need to transfer to the Balboa?

But the driver said this bus…wait, it’s on my map.

PASSENGER: Ma’am, trust us, this bus is not going to get you anywhere near 16th and Balboa.

But this is the 43-M-A-S-O-N…

PASSENGER: Yes, but this bus goes to the Marina. Here, I’m getting off now, I can show you where to transfer.

Transfer? JOHN! John, this bus goes to the Marina? Hmmmm. Thank you, sir. You have a nice day. Yes, we’ll be okay. Yes, thank you. We’ll get off at the next stop. Uh-huh. Okay, bye now!

Now, why would the driver tell us this went to the Inner Richmond when it really goes to the Marina. Hmmpff. What does he think we are? A bunch of naïve tourists? Ha! Well, I guess someone’s about to be proven wrong! Driver! Tally ho!

Check back next Friday for the next episode of Muni Mind Reader.

Photo by Flickr user Telstar Logistics

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If you liked this Muni diary, you might like:

1. Muni Mind Reader: The Tweaker
2. Muni Mind Reader: The Humper
3. Muni Mind Reader: The Happenstance Rider

Another week off has given the Muni Mind Reader the fortitude to channel deep into the darkness of the Muni DJ’s brain. Brushing aside neurological cobwebs, Tiffany gets at this budding phonophile’s intentions, which might just surprise you. Everybody dance now!

They say that music is the universal language.

No one speaks, feels, or lives this language as much as I do. Call me an ambassador, yeah, an ambassador of life, love, peace, and most of all, bass and treble, who just wants to break down these oppressive walls of society with my music. My music. Well, that makes it sound like I’m being greedy. This is your music too, people. Your music. No! It’s our music. This language that we can all speak.

So when you see me climb onto Muni with my sweet-ass radio, one that you thought had long been extinct, rather than smother me with looks of horror, maybe you should break out into thundering applause. I’m also a fan of the “slow clap.” Better yet, I dream of the day when everybody puts down their books, disgruntled looks, and hand-held devices, and we all just sing together. Who didn’t love chorus class, right?

Anyone want to do that?

Are we all ready? And a 1, and a 2. And a 3…everybody!

[Silence]

Ugh. What’s wrong with you people? I remember the days when people sat on the bus and talked to each other, shared ideas, maybe even made a friend or two. Now, everyone’s just plugged into their iPhones or texting on their Blackberries, and keeping to themselves. Where is your sense of community? You think I don’t know what I’m doing? You think I just play this stuff as loud as I can simply out of a love for the song? C’mon, I’m smarter than that. I’m trying to reach you! That’s what’s going on!

When I picked out this little gem for your listening pleasure this morning, I just knew, KNEW, I had knocked it out of the park this time. It got me thinking about a possible career change. I have always dreamed of being a DJ, one of those big-club DJs who can demand ten or $20,000 a gig. And here I am, every morning, performing for you for free. You’d be amazed at how few appreciate this gift I bring every day.

Instead, everyone’s trying to pretend like the music isn’t even playing. I even took the liberty of playing this one track twice in a row. Everyone was staring at me as I made my way to the back of the bus. I saw all of you glance up and stare at me. I felt your eyes boring into my back as you tried to figure out where the hell I was going to sit (which by the way, all DJs sit in the back as it’s the preferred position for achieving maximum amplification). I figured I had stirred your heart a little bit, freed your mind even. Looks like all I did was aggravate you instead. Sigh.

I just have to believe. I just have to know that perseverance always wins out in the end. And one morning, when I least expect it, I’m going to play the one song that’ll make everyone drop what they’re doing and get their ass out of their seat. A mobile dance party!! If those rented trolleys can do it, why can’t we? Those people pay big bucks for their dance party on wheels! We only have to pay $2!!

Now, I realize that maybe it’s the morning and you just aren’t ready to rock, or maybe it’s the afternoon, and between myself and the screaming teenagers, you were hoping for a little quiet.

Or maybe, you just don’t like this song. But hey, I take requests.

Muni Mind Reader takes requests, too. But she can’t promise anything. Check back next Friday for her next crystal-ball-to-website delight.

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