Muni Mind Reader: Aisle-Seat Squatter 06.19.09
After a brief hiatus (we gave her the week off for Riders With Drinks), Tiffany Maleshefski, aka Muni Mind Reader, is back. This week, she peers inside the synapses of that odd creature who, often no matter how soon their stop is, refuses to scoot over to the window seat.
Yes, I understand it’s a little odd. You’d think that the opportunity to have a view, fresh air, and to have a place to lean your head when you’re sleepy would be an ideal situation for riding the bus. But, I just can’t do it, OK? I can’t sit in the seat near the window.
So regardless of how crowded it might get … no matter how much hate-beams you direct my way, I am NOT going to move over. I’m just not. EVER. Deal with it!
I realize it would be a perfectly easy enough task. I’d slide over so no one had to make a big scene fumbling over legs and knees and worrying about your bags sliding off your shoulder and hitting people in the face. But what you’re forgetting is what happens when you sit down and I am getting off at a stop that’s before yours. Then what do we do? Are you just going to get up and let me out?
Sure, I’ve seen this sort of consideration played out. But sometimes it just doesn’t happen. I sat near the window once. Just once. It was my stop, I had waited a little bit longer than usual to prepare my exit at the next stop. Before I knew it, the doors had opened and people were filing out and I was STILL at the window, collecting my bags, and the person in the aisle seat didn’t even realize what was happening. I nearly knocked them over as they stood up to let me through, and THEN … the BACK DOORS CLOSED! I had to yell, “Back door! Back door!” Eventually, the doors opened again and I was able to exit. But from that day forward, I swore, may God strike me dead, that I would NEVER stay from the aisle seat. Ever. God, I still have nightmares about that shit.
So, no matter what. Even if it’s a bus with standing-room only.
Muni Mind Reader: The Humper 06.05.09
Yesterday morning, we posted a story about an alleged perpetrator riding the N-Judah a little too close for most of our comfort. He was deemed the “Muni Humper,” and his story resonated through the intertubes (SFist, NBC, to name a few). Well, our ever-prescient Muni Mind Reader, Tiffany Maleshefski, was on the case before the post went live. Here’s her extrapolation from the dark recesses of the Humper’s brainwaves …
Most people see a crowded bus cruising toward them and their heart sinks, tempers flare, and frustrations are high. If the bus is super crowded, the majority of people will simply hold tight for the next bus. Not me. I see that same bus jam-packed with people and all I see are endless opportunities.
In fact, I’m that guy who you watch squeeze his way through the back door, defying the laws of physics and most of all common sense, because, dude, the driver just said there’s a bus two minutes behind this one. Just wait it out, right? Crowded buses are where I thrive, where I feel alive, where I like to get a free ride. I AM THE HUMPER!
Awwww yeahhhh! Let me just squeeze in over here. That’s it. Woops! “Oh, I’m sorry. Did I bump you?” (Sheepish grin.) Hell yeah I just bumped you, and what’s totally throwing you off right now: I’ve yet to step away! It’s just you, me, my wedding tackle, the corner of your bike messenger bag, and then your sweet bottom for me to press against.
I especially love a rickety ride on Muni, because that means a lot of the work is already done for me. Pothole! “Oh I’m sorry.” Pothole! “Pardon me.” Construction zone! Oh man, here I come! Or a driver who’s heavy on the brake. That’s just a gift from the heavens. I take one step forward, you take one step back, we stay together ‘cuz I’m sick and that’s a fact.
Muni Mind Reader: The Bigot 05.29.09
This week’s crystal-ball installment of Muni Mind Reader channels a voice that you might have heard before on the bus — the opinionated bigot who loves to spew his spiel on the unlucky bus rider next to him. For the grouch, there is no “inside voice” and the Muni bus is his perfect soapbox where you have no escape. Well, not until your stop comes up anyway.
Good afternoon!
You look like a fine, upstanding citizen, one with a sound mind and solid principles. I am just certain you won’t mind if I drop a little of my hate-filled agenda on you. In fact, I have no doubts whatsoever that you are 100 percent in agreement.
Now don’t you say anything at all. I know a person by just looking at them what they’re thinking and what they’re all about. And well, the second I got on the bus, I just knew you were on the same page as me. Can’t put my finger exactly on it. Maybe it’s because you smiled at me or moved your bags off the seat next to you so I could sit down.
Two-Seat-Takin’, Big-Balls-Havin’ Guy, in Photos 05.28.09
Since time immemorial, we’ve known about his type. Recently, Muni Mind Reader Tiffany Maleshefski paid tribute to him — he who takes up more than one seat on Muni solely by virtue of being well-endowed in the genital region (we suspect, rather flatteringly).
Well, Tiffany did us all the favor of capturing some images of this unfortunately not-so-rare species. For your enjoyment, watch as this man’s leg migrates ever closer to Tiffany’s lap. A note from Tiffany: “My leg is the brown trouser pant. You’ll note we are not dating and don’t know each other at all. Yet he is perfectly comfortable having his legs in my personal space.”
More photos of this progression below the fold …
Muni Mind Reader: Sunday Driver 05.22.09
Muni operators — love ‘em or leave ‘em. We riders have our fair share of complaints, some valid, about the way our brothers and sisters in brown do the driving of the bus. Too fast, too slow, too jerky, too much attitude. What we often fail to realizeis the fact that these driverly dispositions come from a very human place, intentionally or not. Drivers are people, too. And next time you get pissed off at one, especially because you’re late to work, remember that this driver is already on the clock.
This week’s Muni Mind Reader peers behind the frontal lobes of our best friends, without whom, really, think about it, there would be no Muni. Ahem.
Good morning everyone, and welcome aboard!
Now that’s right, just step on up, and kindly move to the back. Oh come now, don’t look at me that way, there is plenty of room in the back. Plenty! I am looking in my rear-view and I see acres and acres of room, so please passengers, just kindly push back. I said puuush back.
Okay! Is everybody in? I can’t close those back doors until everyone is off the stairs. Everyone up? Yes? Ha! YES! I guess they all are. And heeeeeere we go. I’m just going to ease my foot off the break, check both ways (twice), and…
Wait a minute. Everyone just hold on to their horses. I know, I know you have no idea why I stopped at a green light, so let me explain.
Muni Mind Reader: The Couple 05.15.09
The ever-thoughtful Tiffany Maleshefski, honoring this week’s engagement of yours truly and the lovely Tara Ramroop, has ventured into the sappy, lovestruck, and possibly smug minds of The Couple. They’ll either make your heart swoon or your digestive system commit entropy. Me? I’m in pre-marital bliss, so I’ll keep my opinions to myself.
The Couple
Lovestruck #1: Fine people of Muni, WE are in love. Looooooooove.
Lovestruck #2: Let’s make out!
[Nom, nom, slurp, nom, grr, argh, nom]
Lovestruck #1: It’s crazy babe, some people are ashamed to express how much they love each other on a moving vehicle. I just don’t get it. I love taking the bus with you, and I love taking the bus with you because it means I get to sit next to you, your hand in mine, my tongue in your mouth.
Lovestruck #2: If only more people on the bus were in love! Sigh. Don’t you just wish sometimes we’d get on the bus, and people would be SO inspired by our love and passion for each other, they’d all drop their grimaces and begin kissing one another?!
Lovestruck #1: Oh my god baby, the thought of that just made me so HOT! Let’s stand up so we can make out while I touch your ass.
Muni Mind Reader: The Teenager 05.08.09
Either you are one now, you were one once upon a time (cringe), or you’re way too young to be reading this. Whatever the case may be, we all know this specimen, and we all have our opinions of it. This week, Tiffany Maleshefski, aka Muni Mind Reader, explores the oscillating, erratic mind of The Teenager.
WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!
HELL YEAH I’M EXCITED!! SCHOOL IS OOOOOOUT!!! Another day, another bell that releases us from the jail cell we call school. More like ewwwwwwwwwww. WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! I just get so happy when the school day is over, I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW!!!
CAN YOU HEAR ME? SCHOOL IS OUT AND OH MY GOD WAS IT A CR-AAAAZY DAY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN USE MY INDOOR VOICE? F*CK YOU!!!
Yeah, you sit there in your stuffy work clothes glaring at me and my friends. I can hear you judging me and wishing I’d go away or be truant or maybe just get hit by the bus one morning. You’re just jealous your life isn’t as fun as mine. My life is fun, fun, fun! It’s too long ago for you to remember, but when you are between the ages of say 14 and 17, holy shit. It is just bananas the kinds of things we get into.
Muni Mind Reader: The Tweaker 05.01.09
The latest installment in Tiffany Maleshefski’s Muni Mind Reader series peers inside the mental machinations of the so-called tweaker. This is someone we’ve all seen on the bus or on the street and probably tried to ignore. But hey, they’re people too.
Hellloooo fellow bus passengers! Hello! Hi. Hi there. Is that a baby? Is this your baby? HI BABY!!! You like coffee, huh? I HATE YOU. Why is everyone looking at me? HEY DRIVER! IS THIS MY STOP? What is Gavin Newsom doing anyway? DRIVER! Give me my transfer. Yes, I paid you. OKAY FINE! I don’t know why everyone picks on me. Sigh.
Yes! I am the tweaker!
I go from low to high
And I’ll be tweakin’ till the day I die
I was just singing The Who. You know, The Who? Never mind.
Introducing Muni Mind Reader 04.24.09
Allow us to introduce Tiffany Maleshefski, the Amazing Muni Mind Reader! This is the first in our new series where Tiffany will channel the thoughts of a Muni rider directly onto our pages. Ever wonder what your fellow passengers are thinking as we stare at one another during yet another bumpy Muni ride? Tiffany’s got you covered. In today’s installment, Tiffany’s onto that guy who takes up two seats on the bus.
Hey lady,
What do you want from me? I’m a guy. Yeah, a big honkin’ guy, and that’s why I just gotta sit here next to you with my legs spread wide apart because I have this equally big honkin’ mass between my legs. I can see you’re aggravated that my right thigh is on my seat and yours, but what can I do? Get a smaller package? You’ll have to ask god about that one. Trust me, it bothers me too, but at the end of the day, there’s not much I can do about it.
You on the other hand, well, maybe you could go to the gym a little more, or drink one less latte in the morning. If you toned up, maybe you could only take up 3/4 or even 1/2 your seat, allowing me and my boys some breathing room. It can’t possibly bother you that much can it? Me, sitting here at 8:30 in the morning, my leg touching yours. It’s kind of nice, isn’t it? Neighborly almost. I mean, I already kind of stopped noticing I was taking up two seats in the first place. Surely, you’ve forgotten too.
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