The latest installment in Tiffany Maleshefski’s Muni Mind Reader series peers inside the mental machinations of the so-called tweaker. This is someone we’ve all seen on the bus or on the street and probably tried to ignore. But hey, they’re people too.
Hellloooo fellow bus passengers! Hello! Hi. Hi there. Is that a baby? Is this your baby? HI BABY!!! You like coffee, huh? I HATE YOU. Why is everyone looking at me? HEY DRIVER! IS THIS MY STOP? What is Gavin Newsom doing anyway? DRIVER! Give me my transfer. Yes, I paid you. OKAY FINE! I don’t know why everyone picks on me. Sigh.
Yes! I am the tweaker!
I go from low to high
And I’ll be tweakin’ till the day I die
I was just singing The Who. You know, The Who? Never mind.
Allow us to introduce Tiffany Maleshefski, the Amazing Muni Mind Reader! This is the first in our new series where Tiffany will channel the thoughts of a Muni rider directly onto our pages. Ever wonder what your fellow passengers are thinking as we stare at one another during yet another bumpy Muni ride? Tiffany’s got you covered. In today’s installment, Tiffany’s onto that guy who takes up two seats on the bus.
What do you want from me? I’m a guy. Yeah, a big honkin’ guy, and that’s why I just gotta sit here next to you with my legs spread wide apart because I have this equally big honkin’ mass between my legs. I can see you’re aggravated that my right thigh is on my seat and yours, but what can I do? Get a smaller package? You’ll have to ask god about that one. Trust me, it bothers me too, but at the end of the day, there’s not much I can do about it.
You on the other hand, well, maybe you could go to the gym a little more, or drink one less latte in the morning. If you toned up, maybe you could only take up 3/4 or even 1/2 your seat, allowing me and my boys some breathing room. It can’t possibly bother you that much can it? Me, sitting here at 8:30 in the morning, my leg touching yours. It’s kind of nice, isn’t it? Neighborly almost. I mean, I already kind of stopped noticing I was taking up two seats in the first place. Surely, you’ve forgotten too.