We hate a fight on Muni as much as the next person, but Peter was delayed by yet another utterly ridiculous fisticuffs on the bus.
On my way home with six bags of grocery and tea in my hands, I witnessed one of the most epic fights in my five years of riding Muni: two teenage girls, a small one who had her child in one of those baby baskets, and a very, very large one, decided that they were gonna beef right there and then. It was ripe with human drama.
First, there was a hero – the skinny girl’s baby daddy who kept pleading for everyone to be sensible and to do the right thing, out of respect for him, the passengers, and the baby. It was one of the most level-headed, noblest efforts – nobler, dare I say, than most of the protests going on around the country right now. But they fell on deaf ears.
The skinny girl was determined, between saying “bitch” a lot, she said things like “it’s war,” “I don’t give a fuck if the police came,” and all the other signifiers, demonstrating her willingness to escalate. The fat girl had every trick down. She knew when to get in her face, when to back up, when to claim her battle, when to walk off the bus, as if walking away, when to come back onto the bus, when to pretend to laugh, and the most impressive of all – she had like a 2011 version of the Angry Mother technique – in which she’d clap her large hands with every taunting syllable, really driving that hostility home.
And I really have to say, Bus 14 kept it classy – people of different ages and stripes really did their best to de-escalate.
Predictably, there was a rumble. The ladies could finally get the baby daddy outta the way in the streets. Every classy person on the bus got up to watch. There was even an one-legged man with crutches saying “shit, I’m getting up for THIS.” And the girls were sufficiently entertaining, but then, Divinity stepped in (for better or for worse), and our collective mornings was made when…
The fat girl began yanking the smaller mama’s shirt. And people were collectively confused when they first sighted nudity – ’cause no one expected that so early in the day under such circumstances – it was entirely gratuitous, because really, we were not greedy people, and a small girl vs. fat girl fight was enough.
But no, they kept going – the fat girl ripped the shirt completely off of the smaller baby mama. At this point there was no debate, you could no longer turn to your neighbor and say “Dude, I thought I saw–” and have him say “Nah, that was in your sick head.”
NO, the small girl was now completely topless, in the rain, punching a fat girl.
And, like every such a moment, it got sad immediately, when the decent dreaded man proclaimed to the bus driver, “All right, you can drive now, they’re off the bus.”
So yeah, I’ve got a ton of groceries and tea, stop by for dinner sometime.