Muni Mind Reader: The Humper

hump dayYesterday morning, we posted a story about an alleged perpetrator riding the N-Judah a little too close for most of our comfort. He was deemed the “Muni Humper,” and his story resonated through the intertubes (SFist, NBC, to name a few). Well, our ever-prescient Muni Mind Reader, Tiffany Maleshefski, was on the case before the post went live. Here’s her extrapolation from the dark recesses of the Humper’s brainwaves …

Most people see a crowded bus cruising toward them and their heart sinks, tempers flare, and frustrations are high. If the bus is super crowded, the majority of people will simply hold tight for the next bus. Not me. I see that same bus jam-packed with people and all I see are endless opportunities.

In fact, I’m that guy who you watch squeeze his way through the back door, defying the laws of physics and most of all common sense, because, dude, the driver just said there’s a bus two minutes behind this one. Just wait it out, right? Crowded buses are where I thrive, where I feel alive, where I like to get a free ride. I AM THE HUMPER!

Awwww yeahhhh! Let me just squeeze in over here. That’s it. Woops! “Oh, I’m sorry. Did I bump you?” (Sheepish grin.) Hell yeah I just bumped you, and what’s totally throwing you off right now: I’ve yet to step away! It’s just you, me, my wedding tackle, the corner of your bike messenger bag, and then your sweet bottom for me to press against.

I especially love a rickety ride on Muni, because that means a lot of the work is already done for me. Pothole! “Oh I’m sorry.” Pothole! “Pardon me.” Construction zone! Oh man, here I come! Or a driver who’s heavy on the brake. That’s just a gift from the heavens. I take one step forward, you take one step back, we stay together ‘cuz I’m sick and that’s a fact.

Sometimes it can be a little awkward, say when the bus isn’t that crowded. At least not nearly crowded enough that I should be standing directly behind you, my junk squeezed tightly against your trunk. Oh god, and when it’s nighttime, and you can clearly watch our reflections in the window. Yeah, that’s weird, huh? You’re trying to read your book, and I’m hanging above you like some freakshow when really, I could easily take the empty seat in front of me or at least stand to the right of you. Trust me, it’s even a little awkward for me at first, but then I just gotta forget about it and press forward. Heh. Press forward? Do you get it?

Sometimes the Muni Metro can be a real goldmine. A crowded N-Judah is the bomb for sure. It’s like the passengers are one giant xylophone, and I’m the frisky mallet running down every note of the scale. It’s like a humper buffet. It can be addicting though. One time, I was just so down with Muni Metro, I wasn’t humping anywhere else, and hey, variety is the spice of life. So now I just save that for special occasions.

Well, looks like quitting time is just about over. I’ve been riding this route for the past two hours, just getting off and on (heh) as the crowds deem fit. But now rush hour has officially passed, and I gotta go home and rest up for the morning commute. It’s Spare the Air Day, so it’s gonna be suh-weeeet. We’ll get together then, OK? No, we will. It’ll be fun. See you then!

Check back next Friday for the next pearls of wisdom from the Muni Mind Reader.

Photo by Flickr user johnb/uk

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