Category: Funny: Muni LOLs

On Muni: ‘I’m a pimp and this shit don’t bother me’

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Muni Seats
Photo by neutralSurface

Muni rider Scott spins a, uh, wet one for us from the 5-Fulton.

Best Muni moment; I have many but this tops!

On my way to USF from Montgomery Street, I get on the 5-Fulton one weekday morning. Nothing unusual, I sit one row from the back sipping my coffee reading the Chronicle. We turn onto McAllister Street, and a woman jumps on the bus and sits in the very corner of the last row. I try not stare, but can clearly see this person is completely whacked out of her mind.

I’m not surprised as we entered the Tenderloin. I continued to read until I notice some liquid on the floor coming from that particular corner of the bus. Just then a gorgeous girl was walking to the rear of the bus. As she was about to sit down in front of the woman, I kind of grabbed her with a slight nod, then said you should really sit over here, instead. She looked at me as I drew her attention to the mess in the back. We are not at Van Ness yet, but the woman gets up and leaves.

This normally would be the end of the story but not this time. Both the gorgeous girl and I leaned back to see what the hell was dripping and realized that the person decided to relieve herself on the bus. It was a pool, too. We both looked at each other and knew that, well, this is Muni and you get all kinds of weird things happening. Just as we figured out it was piss, a group of kids no older than 12 jumped in the back of the bus and seated themselves on the wet seats. One yelled out, “What the hell is this?” as the other is sitting in it getting drenched. Two of the kids moved from their seats but the last kid exclaimed, “I’m a pimp and this shit don’t bother me.” He sat in a pool of piss for the remainder of my trip.

As always, a friendly reminder to check your seats and beware moving liquid on the bus. Sometimes, it’s wee-wee, folks.

Category: Funny: Muni LOLs

Why you can’t sit under her umbrella

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Photo by @cyclones01

Last week, we featured a photo of a woman who had opened her umbrella on a crowded Muni Metro LRV. Shortly after posting, we tracked down the story behind this mischief. Muni rider Katie has the details.

That black umbrella was not deployed to deflect rain from Muni’s leaking tunnels or even to stave off the threat of being sucked out an open door in the tunnel. It was there to separate a woman and her feet from the likes of me.

When I jumped on the crowded N-Judah that day, some lady was loudly spewing expletives and insults nearby. Since this is nearly a daily occurrence on Muni, it wouldn’t have likely captured my attention except I happened to notice she was directing them at this nice but distressed looking white-haired old man sitting nearby.

“You don’t even know what you’re doing to my feet,” she told him, her voice soaked in vitriol. “I hope someone murders you, you asshole. I hope someone kills you. You don’t deserve to be alive after what you’re doing to my feet.”

The woman had both of her feet propped up on the seat in front of her, and the little old man had apparently sat next to them in one of the seats reserved for disabled and seniors, a demographic he clearly fit into, and her feet clearly did not.

The man averted his eyes, perplexed and upset at this exchange. I gave him what I hoped was a sympathetic smile.

That’s when she laid into me. “I saw you smile at him! Don’t go smiling at him!”

She sneered at me.

“You don’t even know what he’s doing to my feet. You don’t know anything, you bitch. I hope someone rapes you, and somebody else hears it but just thinks you’re having sex so they don’t help you. That would be the equivalent of what he’s doing to my feet.”

I giggled, impressed by her creativity and specificity. That did not please homeless foot lady. She haughtily pulled a giant black umbrella out of one of her bags, opened it and held it between us so she wouldn’t have to look at me or the old man anymore.

The old man got off after a while but the umbrella stayed up all the way to Powell. At that point, a crowd separated us but she peered angrily at me from her seat when she could get a glimpse of me.

I smiled back.

Be like Katie. Share your Muni story on Muni Diaries.

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