Introducing Muni Mind Reader

thereAllow us to introduce Tiffany Maleshefski, the Amazing Muni Mind Reader! This is the first in our new series where Tiffany will channel the thoughts of a Muni rider directly onto our pages. Ever wonder what your fellow passengers are thinking as we stare at one another during yet another bumpy Muni ride? Tiffany’s got you covered. In today’s installment, Tiffany’s onto that guy who takes up two seats on the bus.

Hey lady,

What do you want from me? I’m a guy. Yeah, a big honkin’ guy, and that’s why I just gotta sit here next to you with my legs spread wide apart because I have this equally big honkin’ mass between my legs. I can see you’re aggravated that my right thigh is on my seat and yours, but what can I do? Get a smaller package? You’ll have to ask god about that one. Trust me, it bothers me too, but at the end of the day, there’s not much I can do about it.

You on the other hand, well, maybe you could go to the gym a little more, or drink one less latte in the morning. If you toned up, maybe you could only take up 3/4 or even 1/2 your seat, allowing me and my boys some breathing room. It can’t possibly bother you that much can it? Me, sitting here at 8:30 in the morning, my leg touching yours. It’s kind of nice, isn’t it? Neighborly almost. I mean, I already kind of stopped noticing I was taking up two seats in the first place. Surely, you’ve forgotten too.

Oh, wait a minute, what are you doing now? Assertin’ yourself? Did you just reposition yourself ever so slightly in an attempt to shove my little old left leg back on to my side of the seat? Hello, lady, I told you already. I got big, gigantic balls and if my thighs come even within millimeters of these bad boys, it is PAIN CITY! So cut a fella some slack. There’s room for both of us on this seat, and if you don’t like it, stand your fat ass up.

Wait, you leavin’? Oh, it’s your stop. Well, alrighty, you have a nice day. What? No good bye? Oh well. See you tomorrow.

Photo by Flickr user shaderlab

11 comments

  • “It’s kinda nice, isn’t it? Neighborly almost.”

    Haaaaa ha ha.

    I truly hope I have never been This Guy. I fear that, once or twice, I have.

  • Katie

    Kirk, do you really hope you have never been this guy? Isn’t that like wishing for small balls?

  • Hmm. Good point. I am TOTALLY this guy, all the time, every day.

  • Tiffany

    I just read this thread — this is more hilarious than the column. HA!

  • Schtu

    OK, since you brought it up, there is something…. odd about the slope on the muni bucket seats that makes things slide in ways that they should not. For those of us who seek package comfort but also dislike random bodily contact it creates enough cognitive dissonance that I almost always stand, where my bits a pieces can find their own nature angle of repose… inches away from the faces of those seated.

  • Schtu I have never realized how great it is to be a woman, where our bits and pieces, for the most part, remain where they rightly belong and do not need to be repositioned every now and then for comfort and civility.

  • Schtu

    @ Eugenia – well as Steve Martin used to say, he could never be a woman because he would just play with his breasts all day…..I guess we all have our burdens.

  • Testiclus maximus is related to Oblivious aloofada — both are equally guilty of breaking basic etiquette, and both dispatch their kind into airplanes as well. Park it somewhere else, bub, eh?

  • at least he wasn’t one of those guys who has to sit with his arm across the back of the seat. that’s even ickier.

  • Mark

    What should a man with “elephantitus of the nuts” do?

  • Tiffany—pure hilarity! You are a mind-reader.

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